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The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (2000)
















JS: Tonight’s guest appeared in Runaway Bride last year, currently he can be seen on two series. HBO's Oz, which is dirty, and NBC’s Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.

[Clip from SVU in which Elliot and Benson surround a perp in a laundry room that has a gun to a woman’s head]

JS: That’s what happens when you fuck up someone’s laundry. Please welcome Chris Meloni.

John: Nice to see you. [Chris grabs his coffee cup] That's mine, don't--

Chris: That's alright.

John: It's water, right? No, I only get high after the show. How are you doing?

Chris: Good, baby. Am I blocking your camera angle here?

John: No.

Chris: Good.

John: We're just co-anchors right now. Just me and you co-anchoring the show.

Chris: Let's go to the videotape.

John: Thank you, Warner Wolf. Well done.

[Chris pretends dentures fall out of his mouth and some people laugh]

Chris: Somebody got that.

John: You're crazy busy.

Chris: What?

John: You're crazy busy.

Chris: Crazy busy, man.

John: You've got two shows. You've got Oz, where you're-- where' it's a little--

Chris: Chris Keller, yeah, a bit of a menace I'd say.

John: He's mean. He's a mean man.

Chris: As a matter of fact, I just shot my first episode yesterday.

John: What'd you do in that?

Chris: Oh, a lot of cock grabbing. Got in a fight. Menaced another prisoner. And then promptly got shot. So, you know, all in a day's work. Good clean fun.

John: That's why I never try the cock grabbing, because you always get shot.

Chris: Go pay those parking tickets.

John: Absolutely, how's the other show going?

Chris: You're shaking, relax, relax.

John: The other thing is a wild show because it's the Special Victims Unit.

Chris: Yeah. Not just the victims--

John: Because regular victims are--

Both: Pssh.

Chris: Please. Seen it, done it, been there. No, these are special victims.

John: The one's in the laundry room with a shoe on their head.

Chris: "I said no starch!"

John: You're a nice fella but I imagine when people first meet you they might be a little--

Chris: A little antsy, a little scared. I had a woman--Actually I had a woman about--

John: Congratulations by the way on having a woman.

Chris: She was over 60, too.

John: After your roll on Oz that must be a nice surprise.

Chris: It's a little added spice to life.

John: Sure. Now she came up to you, she was scared?

Chris: Yeah, no, she actually, she looked at me, she goes, "I hate you. But you're sexy."

John: Are you sure it was a woman?

Chris: She was a smoker, what can I tell you?

John: That sounded like Carol Channing met you at a diner somewhere. I know that you--I mean, you're one of those guys that worked for years to get the break.

Chris: Yeah.

John: What was, like, the first gig?

Chris: You know, my first gig was actually here in New York, it was The Equalizer. You remember that show? Jonathon Woodward--

John: Absolutely, it's still on--what the hell is that on?

Chris: I bet you guys will remember this, if you're big fans of the show. I played a hired assassin, I was going in to kill some security guards. So I went to wardrobe to get outfitted. I was in this all black pants suit zipped up and really tight and nice and sleek.

John: That was a very smart outfit.

Chris: Right? Then they put me in a vest, then they put me in a hat, a knit hat. I was like, I am so cool. They said, "That's great but pull it down." So they--Ski mask. Ski mask over my face so that only my eyes--

John: Oh, man.

Chris: And the final insult was, they dubbed my voice. With one of those Godzilla guys, you know, really masculine, manly voice, 2 octaves deeper than what I have.

John: Yeah, I remember when I did that gig.

[Chris gives him a dirty look]

John: I'm just kidding. Me and you are buddies [Chris reaches towards him] We're buddies! Don't make me toss your salad, I watch Oz!

[Chris props his leg up on the desk]

John: This is actually the most flirting I've done with a guest. I don't know what's happened here. But we're pleased to see you. We want you to come back, because you're located in New York, right?

Chris: Yeah, man, I'm right down the block. Give me a call sometime. We'll get together.

John: I'd actually like that very much. Law and Order: Special Victims Unit is on Friday nights, Oz is on in April, Chris Meloni!