JS: Tonight’s guest is one of the lovable convicts on HBO’s Oz. He also plays the other side of the law as a
detective on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.
[Clip from SVU in which Cragen ends a conversation by snapping at Elliot, “You caught it, you make it!”]
JS: [faux-scared] I…I don’t like his boss. Please welcome Chris Meloni. Come on now.
[Audience goes nuts]
JS: Make it happen!
JS: Settle down!
[Part of the audience (okay, the women) continue to scream while Chris grins out at them]
Chris: Is that--
JS: They may ‘woo--’
JS: But let me say this. I am sick to death of seeing your cock on TV. Sick of it!
Chris: [gestures at the audience] They’re not.
[The women start screaming again]
JS: Can I make a suggestion? For the staff at the--Oz.
Chris: Yeah, g’head.
JS: Uh, you know what your character could use? A bathrobe!
Chris: [grins at him]
JS: For God’s sake man! That must be one chilly set.
[Chris does a fake double take, gives John a withering look. John sees the look and sort of jumps. Chris laughs at him]
Chris: You bastard.
JS: [copying Chris’s New York accent] You bastahd.
Chris: You bastahd.
JS: How many times do you think you’ve been naked this year on OZ?
Chris: Ohhhh, six, seven, eight times. Sky’s the limit, baby!
JS: You know what’s weird about that? --
[The women scream]
JS: [to the girls] Yes, yes, yes, well done.
Chris: [imitates the audience] ‘Your penis rocks!’
[women scream again]
JS: I haven’t even been naked six or seven times in life this year.
JS: These people know, I’m wearing long johns underneath my suit. That’s sad.
Chris: John, maybe we should turn the mirror towards you. [frames John with his hands]
JS: You know what? Please--
Chris: Do we have a problem?
JS: I won’t shower naked.
JS: Is that--As an actor-guy, that’s got to be the most difficult-- because there’s--like, on our show …there’s
Teamsters standing around, right?
JS: Aren’t there guys like, “hey I don’t get paid enough to watch this.”
Chris: It’s actually kind of cool. It’s the only time, like, wardrobe and make up actually come out of their
trailers and out of their rooms.
JS: Do they really?
Chris: Yeah, it’s great.
JS: They come to watch you be naked:
Chris: They’re kind of sitting there with their popcorn going--[pretends to eat popcorn] And if someone comes late they’re
like, “This is take two.” It’s great, it’s great stuff.
JS: You know what? If I were naked in Oz, you know what I’d do? Nail it on the first take. Because then you get to put
on the clothes and head back to the--
Chris: Except that, there was one scene where I had to--I was in solitary confinement, in the hole, they call it.
JS: Yeah, sure.
Chris: You get thrown in naked, and there was a scene where I had to pee in a bucket. That’s all they give you, bucket
to pee in. Now, Tom Fontana, the producer, he got more calls about that, because people--”Now you’ve gone too
far!” I mean, people have been defecated on, they’ve been crucified, they’ve been gutted., and they’re
worried about me peeing in a bucket. The scene that was actually shot and edited into the show?
Chris: Second take.
[long pause and scattered laughter]
JS:… How could you pee that long?
Chris: Lots and lots of water. And lots of waiting.
JS: I’ve heard Brando won’t pee for a week before doing a bucket scene.
Chris: Sure. He’s method. I come from the school of Brando.
JS: I’ve heard that your bladder is up for a Cable Ace.
Chris: [laughs] It is. It is!
JS: I love seeing it. So what’s going to happen next on the Oz? Are you--A big fist fight? Anything going down? Are
Chris: There’s a big fist--[hearing John’s last question] What? [Chris gives him another dirty look and John puts
his hands up in surrender]
JS: You’re a bad man. You’re a very bad man. And you do two shows, what’s the other--[offstage] are we out
of time? Son of a bitch.
JS: I know.
Chris: The shocking truth.
JS: Isn’t that sad? Uh--Law and Order--
Chris: Law and Order: Special Victims Unit--
JS: You say it, when’s it air?
Chris: It airs on Friday nights, NBC, ten o’clock.
JS: And when are we next going to be seeing your penis?
Chris: Not on that show.
JS: On Oz, watch it. Chris Meloni. Come on!