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The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (2001)

JS: Tonight’s guest is one of the lovable convicts on HBO’s Oz. He also plays the other side of the law as a detective on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.

[Clip from SVU in which Cragen ends a conversation by snapping at Elliot, “You caught it, you make it!”]

JS: [faux-scared] I…I don’t like his boss. Please welcome Chris Meloni. Come on now.

[Audience goes nuts]

JS: Make it happen!

Chris: Yeah!

JS: Settle down!

[Part of the audience (okay, the women) continue to scream while Chris grins out at them]

Chris: Is that--

JS: They may ‘woo--’

Chris: [laughs]

JS: But let me say this. I am sick to death of seeing your cock on TV. Sick of it!

Chris: [gestures at the audience] They’re not.

[The women start screaming again]

JS: Can I make a suggestion? For the staff at the--Oz.

Chris: Yeah, g’head.

JS: Uh, you know what your character could use? A bathrobe!

Chris: [grins at him]

JS: For God’s sake man! That must be one chilly set.

[Chris does a fake double take, gives John a withering look. John sees the look and sort of jumps. Chris laughs at him]

Chris: You bastard.

JS: [copying Chris’s New York accent] You bastahd.

Chris: You bastahd.

JS: How many times do you think you’ve been naked this year on OZ?

Chris: Ohhhh, six, seven, eight times. Sky’s the limit, baby!

JS: You know what’s weird about that? --

[The women scream]

JS: [to the girls] Yes, yes, yes, well done.

Chris: [imitates the audience] ‘Your penis rocks!’

[women scream again]

JS: I haven’t even been naked six or seven times in life this year.

Chris: Really?

JS: These people know, I’m wearing long johns underneath my suit. That’s sad.

Chris: John, maybe we should turn the mirror towards you. [frames John with his hands]

JS: You know what? Please--

Chris: Do we have a problem?

JS: I won’t shower naked.

Chris: Well…

JS: Is that--As an actor-guy, that’s got to be the most difficult-- because there’s--like, on our show …there’s Teamsters standing around, right?

Chris: [laughs]

JS: Aren’t there guys like, “hey I don’t get paid enough to watch this.”

Chris: It’s actually kind of cool. It’s the only time, like, wardrobe and make up actually come out of their trailers and out of their rooms.

JS: Do they really?

Chris: Yeah, it’s great.

JS: They come to watch you be naked:

Chris: They’re kind of sitting there with their popcorn going--[pretends to eat popcorn] And if someone comes late they’re like, “This is take two.” It’s great, it’s great stuff.

JS: You know what? If I were naked in Oz, you know what I’d do? Nail it on the first take. Because then you get to put on the clothes and head back to the--

Chris: Except that, there was one scene where I had to--I was in solitary confinement, in the hole, they call it.

JS: Yeah, sure.

Chris: You get thrown in naked, and there was a scene where I had to pee in a bucket. That’s all they give you, bucket to pee in. Now, Tom Fontana, the producer, he got more calls about that, because people--”Now you’ve gone too far!” I mean, people have been defecated on, they’ve been crucified, they’ve been gutted., and they’re worried about me peeing in a bucket. The scene that was actually shot and edited into the show?

JS: Yeah?

Chris: Second take.

[long pause and scattered laughter]

JS:… How could you pee that long?

Chris: Lots and lots of water. And lots of waiting.

JS: I’ve heard Brando won’t pee for a week before doing a bucket scene.

Chris: Sure. He’s method. I come from the school of Brando.

JS: I’ve heard that your bladder is up for a Cable Ace.

Chris: [laughs] It is. It is!

JS: I love seeing it. So what’s going to happen next on the Oz? Are you--A big fist fight? Anything going down? Are you dieing?

Chris: There’s a big fist--[hearing John’s last question] What? [Chris gives him another dirty look and John puts his hands up in surrender]

JS: You’re a bad man. You’re a very bad man. And you do two shows, what’s the other--[offstage] are we out of time? Son of a bitch.

Chris: Wow.

JS: I know.

Chris: The shocking truth.

JS: Isn’t that sad? Uh--Law and Order--

Chris: Law and Order: Special Victims Unit--

JS: You say it, when’s it air?

Chris: It airs on Friday nights, NBC, ten o’clock.

JS: And when are we next going to be seeing your penis?

[Women scream]

Chris: Not on that show.

JS: On Oz, watch it. Chris Meloni. Come on!